your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
