no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
