Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize