today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
