Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
