If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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