Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize