i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
