The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
