Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
