I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
