omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My breath smells like gin and sadness
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
