he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
