I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
