dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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