ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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