I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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