I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
