When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You're like the curious george of whores
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
