Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
