if you like me you must not know who I am
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
