I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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