I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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