Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
