He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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