His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
