Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
