Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
