No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
