Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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