i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
please come you make the beer taste better
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
