i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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