How'd it feel making her break her religion?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize