he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize