new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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