got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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