Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
kristin has been a bad kristin
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
