life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
