Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
