This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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