im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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