I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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