new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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