I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
