I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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