that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
