Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
