I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
PANTIES FOUND
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
