How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
