if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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