I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
