I cut my penus on the lid.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
