i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
