The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
